Incest/TabooBy Accident, On Purpose Ch. 05
I woke slowly, dreamily. Thrilling thoughts of making love to my mother washed over me. They blended with recollections of our disastrous holiday, which had somehow turned into something wholly unexpected. I was alone, so I had gotten up to see Mom swimming alone. I had discovered that she and Maribella had had a translated conversation using my tablet translator app. This allowed me to understand just hot torn she was about how wrong it was for us to have fallen into an incestuous tangle. This created a deep worry in me. She had whipsawed back and forth emotionally, since she arrived. I worried that we had ruined everything, letting ourselves go like that.
I got up and quietly moved to an armchair not far from my mother. She watched me, over her drawn-up knees, as I appeared. She seemed relieved that I didn't approach her directly. I sat sort of opposite her. Her eyes looked away, out to sea, and into her own thoughts.
I sat there replaying the text translation/exchange that I had just read. It was odd to know some of my mother's secret thoughts, and Maribella's:
"If Kevin wanted to give me sexy pleasure the way he wants to give you, I would be very happy. Why are not you happy with the sexy pleasure he gives you?" I felt guilty, recognizing the sexual thrill this idea gave me, but realizing that Mom was clearly struggling with the idea, having translated, "Maribella it is wrong. That is all there is to say about it."
My aroused and addled brain then switched to the possibility for the future.
"Maybe he would make sexy pleasure to you and me together." Maribella had written. Mom's response made me even more aroused,
"Do you think Kevin wants to make sexy pleasure to you and me together?" My penis lurched at the thought. Even more so when I recalled her writing:
"I would even make sexy pleasure with you." Mom had definitely warmed to Maribella.
The thought of watching the two of them make love to each other was intoxicating. The thought of having them together was crazy-making! I wondered briefly if I could survive the thrill of it, or would I simply detonate?
"Are you okay?" I was startled by her quiet question. Without turning my head, or looking her direction, I responded,
"Never better in all my life!" I heard a quiet chuckle. Then, after a long pause, I nervously asked, "What about you?" There was a very long silence.
"Where does this bring us to Kevin?" She didn't sound freaked out and ready to run but sounded deeply thoughtful about the entire thing. I sat there thinking about a future like this; intimate with my mother, being her lover, her, … 'partner'.
"May I sit with you?" I asked. She gently nodded.
"To be sure," I began gently, "we have, … both, … fallen into a very new and unusual place in our relationship, our lives together. I know I'm stating the obvious, but we are inescapably bonded. I have always felt so wonderfully close to you. I have adored you all my life. I can't remember ever feeling like this, though." I was silent as we both processed where we were now.
"Until last Tuesday, I have to say I'd never had a sexual thought about you ever before." She perked up a bit and turned with a questioning look about 'last Tuesday'. I had to tread lightly here. "After Dad called last weekend, I had to do some shopping, …" I thought back to his obvious bullshit lie about Amy Clendening joining us. My temper flared a bit at this recollection but I decided not to throw that gas on this fire. "I went to the mall to buy some new bathing suits and saw you in the store trying some on yourself." Mom turned to face me at this.
"You saw me buying bathing suits?" I nodded, sheepishly. "You were in the store?" I admitted to seeing her through the window. She seemed embarrassed, but not by my having seen her, but I think more that any of her friends might have seen her.
"The yellow one that you wore yesterday." I continued quietly, "And the, …" Again she turned to face me, a questioning look. "And that, … iridescent blue, … What? 'Sling-shot' I think they call it?"
Mom's glanced away, looking embarrassed. "I can just imagine how sexy you would look in, …"
"I bought it as a joke." I was stunned to silence. The silence continued for a bit.
"You bought it?" I questioned softly, but excitedly. "You have that suit here?" Mom's eyes rolled to me, looking not amused. I pulled myself together immediately.
"And that suit you were wearing the other morning?" She asked me, with an accusing tone. "You bought that for who? For me?" Her voice was rising a bit. I shut up and turned my gaze back to the sea far below us. After a long thoughtful pause, she asked again, "Did you buy that suit to wear in front of me?"
"No." I told her, but then had to admit why I had it here. "I bought it for, … Amy. Dad told me that she was going to be here and specifically told me that I should wear something outrageous, because he knew that I liked her and, …"
Mom appeared thoughtful for a while. I realized that Dad had told me what to wear and who to wear it for, and now we both knew it was all a lie, a total setup. What had he told Mom to wear and who all was going to be here, knowing that whatever he told her was also a big fat lie!
"I'm curious," I continued, "what Dad told you about what all was going to happen here? Clearly, my being here was supposed to be a surprise." My voice fell off, when I noticed that Mom was again on the brink of tears. She still sat with her feet up and her arms around her knees. The towel she had been wearing around her had since pooled around her midriff. She buried her face in her hands.
"I'm such an idiot!" she wasn't crying exactly but was very close. "All those plans. All those, …"
I reached a hand out, and placed it on her shoulder. She gently shrugged it off, shaking her head slightly. "This, … this whole thing, …" She whispered. I think she was talking to herself, but then she turned to me, sort of peeking out from behind her hands. She simply looked at me for a long time.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart." She said at last. Confused and not wanting to second guess, I simply waited for her to continue. Finally, she made to get up and walk away. I took hold of her arm and stopped her, my questioning look asking for more. "This whole thing, …" she started, then gestured around the villa, then back and forth between us. "It's all a setup. All of it! You and me, … together, …" she gave me a very sober look. "Together, … sexually, …" She gently pulled her arm free of my grasp. "Fuck! I'm such an idiot! Worse! I'm so much worse!"
She wrapped her towel around herself as she got up and began to pace. It looked like her level of panic was rising fast. She was clearly deep in thought, practically talking to herself. As she paced, she looked more upset by the minute. Finally, I stood took her arm and stopped her mid-stride. She gave me a look, noting my full nudity, and yanked her arm away, then thought better of it.
"I'm sorry, baby. But this is all my fault!" she told me. "No." she said turning to face me fully. "This, …" she began again, gesturing between us, "is all your father's doing!" The heat in her face and her growing anger at my Dad was rising fast. She paced again, mumbling aloud. "All this time! These past years, …" she stopped and faced me, angry tears now flowing. "I can't even, … I'm too embarrassed to even tell you!"
I noted Maribella standing at the kitchen door, looking out at us, concerned. I gently shook my head. The sun was now getting down towards the horizon and she was preparing for dinner. I pulled Mom, rather forcibly back to the chair. I stood back a bit and grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist; now was not the time. She noted this gesture with relief.
"You and I are in this together." I told her. "Whatever happens, … whatever we decide, we are in this together." I pulled my chair a bit closer. She again grabbed her legs, trying to disappear into the chair. Mom sat and thought deeply, for a long time. I simply sat and watched.
"Your father," she began at last, "told you that Amy was going to be here?" I nodded. "When did he say that?" I thought back on it. I told her that it was just last week. "When, last week?" She insisted.
"Um, I don't know, … uh, Monday. Monday night." She formed a painful grin.
"I spoke with Wendy the previous week about whether Amy might come. Wendy said she was in New York for 4 weeks and totally unavailable. She was never coming. He made that up just to get you here." Now I knew why she hadn't mentioned Amy when I'd called her before flying down.
"I haven't spoken to anyone back home." She said. "The Clendenings, the Jenkins, the Northams. I been so, … consumed with your father's letter and then, …" Her eyes flicked to me. "Then there's, … us." She was thoughtful again for a bit processing the clues.
What did you mean," I started softly, cautiously, "when you said, 'These past years'?" Her eyes came sharply to mine. "What are you 'Too embarrassed' to tell me!" I could see there was something important running through her mind and that she was deciding whether to even broach the subject with me. After a long look, she shook her head and turned away.
I ached for this woman I loved so much. I could tell she was in deep emotional distress. I was at a loss for how to fix it, being that I was largely to blame for it. I was so ready to jump into bed with her, too excited about seeing her nude, showing her my nakedness. My guilt was rising now. I took complete incestuous advantage of my own mother at her most vulnerable.
But, I reasoned, it was what it was, as stupid as that sounded, there was no going back. We had done it. Mostly me, but it would have been impossible if Mom hadn't been willing. What we had done, we had done! There was only moving forward from here.
I reached out to turn her face to mine. She resisted at first, then complied. Her wet eyes begged for a way out of this. "I love you! So very, very much! I always have! No matter what, … no matter what we do about, … I will always love you so completely!" We shared a long soothing look, and then she moved to pull me into her arms. We leaned into and against each other for a long time.
I noted the sun sliding over the edge of the earth and it began to get dark. I glanced back towards the kitchen and saw Maribella still at the open door, silently watching and waiting; hoping for us to reconcile, I think. "We have the rest of our lives to work this out." I whispered into her hair. "Shall we start with eating something?" Mom nodded weakly against me.
"I'm actually starving." She whispered back. "I need a favor though." I nodded. "Can we put clothes on for dinner?" There was not humor in this. She needed a full reboot, I got it. As we were getting up to leave our chairs, the sky opened into a full downpour. Warm rain pounded down on us as we unhurriedly stood and walked to the villa.
Twenty minutes later, we were sitting at the outdoor table. Now everything was washed clean, the table and chairs had been dried by Maribella and Mom and I sat opposite each other, not really looking at each other, but nicely dressed for dinner.
Maribella and taken out clue and had dressed in a light-weight dress as she brought out the food. She served it with silent flair. Mom suddenly grabbed her arm stopping her and stood. "Wait. Don't move." Her tone was just commanding enough that Maribella did as she was told; a rare occurrence. Mom got up and went inside. Maribella and I shared a nervous glance until Mom returned with another place setting.
Without comment, Mom set another place for her at the head of the table, between us. Maribella had a panicked look but was not about to oppose this serious looking American woman. Mom pulled out the chair and motioned for her to sit; she did. Mom served her a plate that matched ours and then returned to her seat. Finally, Mom's look softened and she reached out and placed the palm of her hand gently on Maribella's cheek. They shared a long meaningful gaze, both their eyes moist.
"Bon appetit." Mom told us. We all ate in almost perfect silence.
At the end of the meal, mom had to halt Maribella from jumping up to clear the table. She placed her hand over Maribella's again, holding it in place. She then leaned forward, inviting my hand as well. We three sat there, connected, exchanging glances.
"As of today," Mom began slowly, "I feel like it's my birthday. Like, … I'm being born all over again. Into a new life. A very different, … very, … different life than the one I just lost." We were both silent, waiting. "I'm realizing that I cannot go back. Not to your father, …" she said looking at me and almost spitting the last words. "Not to my old friends, … Well, maybe some of my oldest friends, but, …" her eyes came and burned into me.
"Where you and I have come to, …" her look wavered and her head shook slightly, "Fuck! Who would have believed it a couple of days ago." Her eyes burned into me again. "Who would have possibly guessed that I would, … love, … really love, … making love to my only son." I had trouble reading her sad, sweet smile. But I loved that she loved it.
"And you, …" she said to Maribella, "You sweetheart, lovely, loving, woman, …" Maribella had a kind of hopeful, but terrified look in her eyes. "I love you." Mom said simply. The smile that slowly grew of her face at my Mom's comment was precious! Mom raised Maribella's hand to her mouth and kissed it. Maribella brought Mom's hand to her face again and brushed her own cheek with it. Mom pulled her face closer and they kissed, softly at first but then with greater passion. I could tell that their tongues were gently touching.
"I was asking myself," she whispered to us both, "what am I going to do with you two? But, … I think I already know." We shared a long look between us. "Before that though, …" her look returned to serious. "I think you deserve to know a bit more." Uh oh. I thought, here it comes. Mom braced herself then said, "Maybe after dessert?"
Maribella jumped at this and motioned to us, silently begging us to remain seated as she got coffee and dessert. I leaned back, and Mom smiled her assent. Maribella stacked some plates and took them inside. Mom and I just shared a long peaceful look. When she returned to the table, she leaned over and kissed my mother on the mouth again. She gently placed her hand over Mom's heart; very near to her breast, but not. Mom returned the gesture and they kissed while placing hands over each other's hearts.
After the afternoon's rain the sky was now practically luminescent with stars. The sound of the surf far below wafted up to us. Dessert was delicious, of course, coffee was finished and now we simply sat in the quiet of the evening listening to the ever-present sounds of the jungle.
"A couple of years ago," Mom began very softly, "Your father and I, …" I could tell that the mere mention of his name caused a painful reaction. "We began to explore, … some of our fantasies." My ears really perked up now. "Mine were always kind of mild, sexy clothes, maybe going out without panties. Being blindfolded." She wore a shy wistful look as she recalled these. "His were a bit more specific, and bolder, being caught having sex outdoors, by strangers, going to nude beaches, … other people." She shot me a shy glance at this last one. I was surprised by these ideas, being explored by my parents. "Some we did, … sex on a nude beach." She whispered with a slight giggle.
"But others remained just fantasy. Like being with other people. We shared who we thought were sexy and what it might be like with them. Your father liked the idea of sharing me with another man, my being in the middle. Or watching me alone with someone else." I had the sense this was leading somewhere.
"I can't even remember how it started, … where we began with the idea, …" Her eyes now focused on me. "At some point we began, …" her voice fell off, but I could sense why this was becoming so hard for her to tell me.
"Me?" I simply asked. She seemed surprised that I had jumped ahead, but then gently nodded. A Long pause ensued as we both considered this.
"You see why I am so embarrassed, …" she couldn't continue, a hand covering her mouth.
"Well, … I'm incredibly flattered." I whispered. She threw me a scolding look, but it softened quickly. "I have always, …" I dared to step into very dangerous territory, "always, … found you to be incredibly sexy." Her look was still scolding but also kind of curious. "But, … I have to admit that I never thought about you, … sexually. Just being honest." She appeared a bit relieved. "I always just viewed you as someone completely, willingly, possessed by someone else that I loved."
I was immediately thoughtful about how my feelings for my father had evolved recently, and would likely continue to evolve. "But I have always adored you, which is probably why it was so effortless for me to love you physically, the way I love you emotionally. I've always wanted to please you, now just, … a bit differently." Mom crossed her arms, closing off slightly from this topic. I wisely shut up.
"In retrospect, …" She began again carefully, "you see why I think this setup, … of the two of us, … has been years in the making, years in the planning." I began now to put the puzzle together, as she had earlier today. I was aghast at the intent, the insidious intent of what he had planned, for years! Carefully steering, manipulating, and finally lying us into this exact position. How certain was he that it would work? His careful selection and preparation of me as his proxy? That I would climb into an incestuous bed with the woman he was jettisoning?
Mom simply sat quietly, watching me process this information, the way she had. Maribella sat equally still, comprehending I don't know how much, of the conversation before her.
The question now, that screamed silently between us, was 'WHAT NOW?!'
"Can we at least agree, …" I asked at last, "that we love each other completely and without shame for what's happened?" Mom nodded gently. "We have, … both, … been put in this place, partly, … mostly, … without consent, … and partly because we recognize something about who we are to each other, how we feel about each other." Mom slow nodding continued. "We both love each other. We both care deeply for each other. We both, … trust each other, … completely!" Nodding continued.
"And I, … at the risk, … find you to be an exquisite lover! And, … I want to keep you as an exquisite lover." Mom's nodding stopped, at this admission. "Forever!" I finally added. A shy smile grew across Mom's lips. "It would be a dream come true if I could make wonderful love to you, every, … single, … day!"
"But how do we, ..?" Mom began, her concern returning. I shushed her.
"We'll figure it out." She was thoughtful, wondering if it was possible. "One day at a time. And at a pace that you can live with. I'm certainly not going anywhere, anytime. You and I are inextricably intertwined, forever, in whatever way we choose."
"Also," I added smiling, "I don't regret a second of it! I truly don't! And I hope you can find a way to let go of your regret." Mom smiled wider, tearfully.
"I really do love you, sweetie." She whispered. "I always have of course. I guess I just never knew how much." Her wink at the end of this comment made me quiver a bit.
We all stood from the table. "I'm going to turn in." Mom told us. She then left the table and went to her room. We watched her go then I turned Maribella's face to mine and kissed her softly. "And you," I began earnestly, "I also find you to be an exquisite lover! I would love to keep you as an exquisite lover, forever as well!" Maribella wore a neutral, almost impassive face at this admission. She had, since I'd first arrived, a very complicated self-image of herself, and was possessed of very little self-worth. My emotional desire for her, washed over me. "I love you, Maribella." I whispered. A look of panic registered on her face. 'What is he saying?' she must have thought. I think she believed that the emotions of the evening had addled my brain to make such a claim about someone like her.
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