Holy Fuck Ch. 02

tagIncest/TabooHoly Fuck Ch. 02

Mark had come to the conclusion that the pictures of the naked woman peeing on their bathroom floor did indeed show his mother. He could see they were taken on that Sunday morning when she had been fighting with his father. His mother had stayed home when Mark and his dad had gone to church.
Mark's first instinct was to delete the pictures and try to forget he ever saw them but he couldn't bring himself to actually delete them. Especially that last picture kept showing up in his mind. Why had his mom been peeing on the floor? And why would she take a picture of it? Then an even more disturbing thought occurred: had she even taken the picture herself or was she having an affair?
That evening he stayed in his room but the next morning he had to face his mom. "Good morning honey," he heard her say as soon as he entered the kitchen. He mumbled something and sat down at the table. He looked at her while she had turned her back to him. His mother was not wearing shoes but she was walking around on her black socks. Today she was wearing her dark purple dress but he couldn't help but see the image of a dark bush between naked legs.
When his mother turned around she smiled for a moment. "Daydreaming?" she asked. Mark's face turned deep red. He wanted to blurt out that he had found the pictures. And that he wanted to know why in the hell she would do those disgusting things. When his mom saw him blushing she laughed. "Who's the lucky girl?"
"No one. Shut up mom," Mark snapped and he immediately felt ashamed for his outburst. "Mark! That's no way to talk to your mother."
Mark sighed and looked at the table. "Sorry mom, but it's just.. Never mind. Can we change the subject please?"
From the corner of his eye he could see his mother looking at him. "Honey, is everything alright?" she asked him softly and sat down opposite of him. When she touched his hand he quickly withdrew his. He immediately got angry at himself because he knew he had hurt her, although she didn't show it when he looked at her. Years of practice, he thought cynically.
"You can talk to me, Mark." They were sitting there silently for a while and when she continued she sounded unsure. "Is it school? I know that you don't have many friends since Peter moved. I – I don't want to pry but.."
"Why do you and dad fight so much?" Mark interrupted and he was surprised to hear the anger in his voice. He hadn't wanted to say this, but it slipped out. And it was safer to talk about his parents fighting than.. well than his mother doing unspeakable things in their bathroom.
"You heard us?" she asked and Mark looked at her with disbelieve. She shook her head and looked away. "I guess we just fooled ourselves. We.. Your father and I.. I.. We don't want you to get caught in the middle. It's just.."
"No mom," Mark said softly. "I'm sorry for asking. Just forget I asked. Uh – are you going to do anything fun today?" he asked in a poor attempt to change the subject.
When his mother got up and walked back to the kitchen counter he could hear her take a few deep shivering breaths. Mark felt extremely uncomfortable and just wanted to make a break for the door. But he kept sitting down.
"Your father and I – we have some issues that we need to work out. I am sorry that you had to hear us fight. But you need to know that we both love you very much and we always will."
Mark couldn't help it and asked a question that had been burning in his head since yesterday. "Are you having an affair?"
"WHAT?" said his mother and she quickly turned around and looked shocked at her son like she couldn't believe he would even think about that. "No! No, of course not honey. Is there a – I mean – why would you think that?"
Mark shrugged his shoulders. "Ella's mom and dad are getting a divorce and they say it's because her mom fucked around." When he said it he knew he had crossed a line.
"MARK! I will not have you talk like this in my house. That is not how I.. That is not how we raised you." And calmer she added: "And don't worry, we are not getting a divorce. We will find a way to work it out. Everything is going to be okay, honey."

When the garage door closed again Linda started crying and she let herself slide to the kitchen floor. There she sat with her back against the cupboard. She was hurt by what her son had said and ashamed because of the pain that George and she had caused Mark. Of course he had heard them fighting. And how long had that been going on, years? She had always told herself that he didn't hear it, that it didn't affect him. But she had known it was a lie.
The feelings mixed with painful memories and it all overwhelmed her. She kept sobbing until finally that familiar quiet dark feeling appeared in her mind. That feeling of guilt and self-hatred. Slowly she moved to her knees and bent over until her forehead was touching the cold floor. And while the voices of her past were telling her how useless she was, she knew she would be calm again soon. It was a ritual that had many different forms but the essence was always the same for Linda.
You are worthless. You are disgusting. You don't deserve to be happy. It were voices she didn't want to hear but deep down she believed they were true. "Yes," she whispered. You are pathetic. No wonder George doesn't want you anymore. Why would anyone want you? You want to be punished. No normal person wants to be punished, so why does it turn you on?
The tears had stopped streaming and Linda lay there on the hard floor, completely silent and still. Almost half an hour later she shivered and softly whispered: "I am worthless." The voices and thoughts had stopped and inside she only felt a mixture if dark emptiness and a depraved sexual urge. Her knees and forehead hurt but with closed eyes Linda kept laying there. Until she turned her head up a bit and slowly kissed the floor.
That was always the end of her ritual, but this time she didn't feel complete. It wasn't enough so she opened her mouth and carefully licked the floor from as far down as she could, going all the way up until she had to move her body. On her tongue she felt sand, a few hairs and some things she couldn't identify. Linda groaned when she started to sit upright. Still on her knees she closed her mouth and stared at the white ceiling. Then she swallowed and kept swallowing.
And while she did that a thought welled up from the emptiness inside. Thank you God, she prayed silently to the God she kept disappointing her whole life. When Linda stood up there was a smile on her face and with renewed energy she started doing her household chores.
Starting with vacuum cleaning the kitchen.

Mark couldn't concentrate at school. It was his last year and he was looking forward to finishing school. Although he had no idea yet what he would do after this, he couldn't wait to get out of here. But today he didn't dream about freedom and his future. The conversation with his mom this morning had stayed with him and meanwhile the images of yesterday were constantly popping up in his brain. Mark felt lots of emotions and he couldn't even start identifying them, let alone analyze where they came from.
Staring out the window in one of his classes he thought about his mother. And sex. At home they had never ever talked about sex. 'The talk' consisted of his father giving him a book describing what puberty was and how a good Christian boy was to act. Or rather how he was not expected to act at all. But that book was after he already had discovered his sexuality. Together with Peter. But Mark did definitely not want to think about that right now.
The last few years Mark had not had any interest whatsoever in sex or masturbation. Those urges had all died and he did not miss it at all. And wasn't that how it was supposed to be for a single man? Mark had heard enough sermons to know that.
Mark was baffled and infuriated now he discovered what the woman who had always taught him the rules of God was doing. He stopped for a moment. Infuriated? He wondered if that wasn't a bit strong. Why would he be angry anyways? But there was something deep inside him fueling an anger that slowly started building.
He was angry at his mother for the whore she was. Mark! That's no way to think about your mother, he immediately reprimanded himself. And he was angry at his father for always arguing with mom. And at himself. For not being a good enough son. And for feeling things that were clearly unholy.
When school ended he was agitated, feeling trapped in his own skin. He decided to take a run to clear his head a bit. And that helped a lot because when he finally arrived at home, the sweat running down his back, he felt a lot calmer.
His mother was in the kitchen when he came in. For an awkward moment they both stood still and looked each other in the eyes. Then his mom smiled. "Mark, honey, you're home." Mark smiled back and walked past her. "Yeah, uh, I decided to take a run. Gotta change into something dry." He quickly went upstairs to his room.
Time to work out the plan that had been forming today.

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