My Brother Broke Me

tagIncest/TabooMy Brother Broke Me

As a published Lit writer, I'm contractually obligated to share a 'bro takes care of injured sis' story. This fulfills that requirement.
Expect my usual shenanigans. Everyone depicted here is over 18. Enjoy!
My instincts kicked in. I reacted in the moment and there was nothing I could do. That's what caused all the trouble.
I was laying back on my bed, watching a video on my phone, when there was a knock on the door.
"Hey Cassidy, can I come in?" It was my brother, Gavin. He'd come home for summer break a few days before and I was still getting used to having him back around the house.
"Just a second," I yelled through the door.
I snapped on my shorts, put my iPhone aside, and grabbed my purity ring off my nightstand. I loved having that ring, loved what it stood for: my promise to myself, my future husband, and God. But I'd only gotten it four months before, for my eighteenth birthday, and it still felt strange to have it on my finger all the time. Especially when I was, ummmm, relaxing in bed.
After I got up, I quickly glanced at myself in the mirror. I tucked my honey blonde hair behind my ear and made sure my pale face wasn't too flushed. Once I was sure I was all put together, I went over and opened the door.
My brother was standing on the other side, waiting patiently. He was so tall my head only came up to his chest. His normally bright green eyes were dull, and his cheeks were red. He looked like he'd been crying.
"What's up?" I asked, but Gavin only sighed and asked if I had time to talk.
I let him into my room and we both sat on the bed. My brother was dressed like he was heading out for a job interview in a forest green polo shirt and khaki slacks. It made my casual, lying around the house outfit of denim shorts and a pink tank top feel out of place.
I assumed, as soon as we sat, that's Gavin's story would spill out. After all, we were used to confiding in each other. Even though my brother was twenty and in college and I was eighteen and a senior in high school, we'd kept a close relationship that went beyond mere friendship to something far more powerful.
But Gavin didn't say a word. He just sat there, silent, staring down at his hands as if he was hoping the words would flow out of his fingers. I looked up at Gavin and smiled, trying to get him to feel comfortable.
My brother had been thin as a rail growing up but, sitting on my bed, I could see how well he'd filled out. Broad shoulders, muscular arms, and thick calves. He'd let his brown hair grow out till it was the right amount of rebellious. Yes, my big brother looked good and it made me proud of him. I could only hope that college would do similar things for my gawky, geeky frame in a few months.
Finally, I got tired of waiting. As much as I loved my brother, I needed to get back to my life.
"It's OK," I said, "Whatever you have to say, I'm here."
"Kelly broke up with me," he said. His face cracked and he started to cry.
"Oh no, I'm so sorry," I pulled my brother close and held him tight. I felt like a garden gnome comforting an oak tree, but I squeezed him as hard as I could.
"We were supposed to get lunch," Gavin said. That explained his outfit. He'd been out on a date. "I hadn't seen her since the holidays. I mean, we talked but. Anyway, I was so excited. But when she got to Villapiano's, she wouldn't even sit down. She just came right out and said it."
"Did she say why?" I asked.
"She says she met someone," my brother said. His voice was muffled as he buried his head in my shoulder. "She says it's true love. I thought we were true love."
"I know," I said, rubbing his back. "I'm so sorry." I wish I could tell you I knew something was up. That I hated Kelly from the moment I met her or something like that. In truth, I was equally as shocked and surprised by this news as my brother. I truly believed that I had a Disney fairy tale going on in my own house. That Kelly was going to be my sister forever. I guess I was naive. That realization was going to be coming up a lot the next few days.
"She totally unloaded on me right there in the restaurant," Gavin said, "All this mean stuff about how she never loved me. That I'm a big, dumb loser who's terrible in bed."
"Oh my God, that's awful!" I said. I sat there and let my brother sob on me. I felt his tears soak through my tank top, but I didn't move. "I don't care what's going on, she can't say things like that."
Gavin didn't share my convictions about sex before marriage, obviously. It's different for boys, anyway. He and Kelly, I knew, had been sexually active since high school. I didn't judge my brother for that. I thought it was sweet. He and Kelly were meant to be together, after all. Only now that turned out to not be true. Again, I felt so happy to have made my promise to stay pure. Sex could only cause problems. I was sure of it.
Gavin stiffened and straightened. He pulled away from me and sat by the edge of the bed. His eyes were red from crying. "I'm sorry, Cass. I wasn't planning on falling apart like this."
"Don't worry about it," I said, "I'm glad I can be here for you."
"I thought Kelly and I were going to be forever, you know? Not that there weren't signs, I mean. She stopped FaceTiming me and ghosted my texts. I thought she was busy with school. I should have seen it coming."
"You can't blame yourself," I said, "Even if you noticed, what could you have changed?"
"Right, I'd still be gangly, goofy me," Gavin said.
"What? No!"
"I know what I am," Gavin said, gesturing at his body, "Kelly said it was like dating Hodor or whatever. I'm so angular and odd."
"That's not true," I said, "Kelly's just justifying her lousy behavior. You'll get another girl in no time, bro."
Gavin blew the air out of his mouth. "I'll never find someone as good as Kelly. I mean, the only way I got together with her in the first place was she came up to me. That's never going to happen again."
"Seriously, Gavin," I said. I reached across the bed and wrapped his hand in both of mine. "I know it's hard for you to see right now, but you're a catch. You'll have a new girlfriend in no time. But Kelly? She's going to regret this for the rest of her life."
"Whatever," Gavin said.
"No, I mean it," I said, "You're handsome, and smart. Caring and kind. Any girl would be lucky to be with you."
"You think so?" Gavin asked. "Or are you saying that cause you're my sister?"
"Both," I said. "You're a good guy. And, yeah, you're attractive, OK? You have a cute face and a great body. Just, like, don't tell anyone I said that."
Gavin stared down at the bed. A grin crept across his face. "Thanks, Cass."
"It's going to be fine. I promise," I said. I lightly stroked my brother's hand.
Gavin's head popped up. Our eyes met. Gavin got a strange look on his face. Suddenly, he leapt forward.
And my instincts kicked in.
I jumped back, but I ran out of bed. The hardwood floor flew up at me. Reflexively, my right hand shot out to stop my fall. I didn't feel it at first, but I heard it. A loud CRUNCH! that sounded like someone stepping on a walnut. Then the pain rushed in, like nothing I'd ever felt.
I screamed.
*
Six hours later, I came home from the hospital with a bulky cast on my wrist, a bag of half-melted ice, and a prescription for Percocet. I'd broken a small bone in my wrist, nothing serious, but it hurt like heck.
Gavin opened the front door for me and helped me collapse onto the couch. He'd been acting like a gentleman the entire time — getting doors, doing whatever I asked, and constantly questioning if I was OK. As if he knew that this whole thing was his fault.
"I'll make dinner," he said, and walked off to the kitchen. "You should probably call Mom and Dad and tell them what happened."
Our parents were travelling through Italy for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. They'd left for the trip just a couple days before and wouldn't be back for a month. That was one of the reasons Gavin was back at the house — so I wouldn't be alone all summer.
I worried that if I told Mom and Dad what happened, they'd cut their trip short. Both my parents worked very hard and I wanted them to be able to enjoy their vacation. I thought about the time difference and realized that even if I did call them, I'd almost certainly be waking them up. I decided to wait till the morning. Besides, I was wiped.
Gavin brought me a PB&J. That doesn't sound like much, but it was my favorite comfort food and he knew it. He'd made one for himself and we sat on the couch and ate. I tried to keep the grape jelly from squeezing onto my shirt, but it wasn't easy. Eating left-handed was such a challenge, I could only imagine how hard everything else was going to be.
"Are you OK?" Gavin asked me for, like, the hundredth time. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, you can build a time machine and stop yourself from pushing me off the bed," I said. I was still moody from the throbbing in my wrist and the lost day at the ER. I'd have snapped at a baby seal if it was in the living room with me.
"I didn't push you off the bed, Cassidy," Gavin said, seriously.
"Well you may as well have," I said, "What were you doing leaning in like that, anyway? It's like you were going to kiss me or something."
"I was not!" Gavin said.
"That's it, wasn't it? You were going to kiss your sister, you big perv."
"Come on, Cass. You know that's not true. I just moved a little bit and you leapt off the bed like I was a rabid badger."
"Whatever," I said, "We both know what happened."
"You want anything else to eat?" Gavin asked. He was still being obsequious but there was an edge to his words that hadn't been there before. For a moment, I spared him some sympathy. I was having a bad day, but Gavin had to be enduring one of the worst of his life.
"I'm OK," I said, after taking a deep breath, "I'm just tired. After everything that happened, I need to crash."
"Anything I can do for you?" Gavin asked. He might as well've had that phrase recorded for all the times he said it. And yet, I got the feeling he really would build me that time machine if I told him to. My brother was a good guy, I knew.
I got up and kissed him on the forehead. "No, I'm OK," I said. "I know today's been awful with Kelly and the hospital and… Well, thank you for everything today. Except the trying to kiss me part." OK, I couldn't help twisting the knife. I mean, I am his little sister after all.
"I wasn't trying to," Gavin sighed, exasperated. "You're welcome. I'm sorry today has sucked for you, too."
I loped up the stairs. They'd given me some serious pain meds at the hospital, and I was loopier than I thought. Just getting to my bedroom felt like an adventure. I fell onto my bed and stared dumbly up at the ceiling.
I was still in my tank top and shorts and it was uncomfortable to try to sleep that way. I started to get undressed, then realized it was going to be way harder without my right hand. I'm very much a righty and using only my left felt like using one of those dinosaur head claws you see at cheap tourist traps off the highway. I managed to get my shirt off, but I couldn't unbutton my shorts. It was so frustrating, and my wrist was throbbing again, and…
"Gavin!" I yelled out without really thinking about it.
Gavin ran into the room like he thought it was on fire. He froze as he saw me lying topless on the bed. His eyes lingered a second too long. Not that there was much to see. I have tiny breasts with tight, taut pink nipples. But my brother stared like I was that redheaded woman from Mad Men. Finally, he covered his face with his hand.
"Sorry, sis," Gavin said, "I didn't realize you were, um, you know."
"I want to get into pjs but it's too hard," I said. I knew I was acting like a child, but I didn't care. The pain and the drugs had me feeling like an invalid.
"Sure thing," Gavin said. He sounded happy to have something to do. He went to my dresser and pulled out a pair of mesh shorts and one of his old t-shirts that I'd commandeered for pajamas a few years ago.
"Bra?" he asked. I shook my head. If I was going church or if there was something formal, then sure. I had a bunch of sports bras for when I worked out. But mostly I let my little boobs hang free. There was barely anything there, so what was the point?
"Panties?" Gavin asked. I guess I didn't think very hard about what was about to happen, because I told Gavin to go for it. I blame the drugs.
He found a cute pair of white underwear with flamingoes all over them. Gavin came back over to the bed and sat down, tentatively. Then he took a deep breath, like psyching himself up. I wondered what the big deal was. Then I realized.
My brother reached up and unsnapped my shorts. My breath caught.
One boy, Jimmy Davis from down the street, had seen me with my shirt off. We'd been an item for a couple weeks and ended up making out in the backseat of his car behind the Wawa. This was pre-purity ring, but I already had the intention. Still, kissing was OK and maybe a couple other things if I was careful.
Jimmy got my shirt off and I was really super excited for what would come next. Then he looked at my little boobs like they were a turd-flavored cheesecake: something that was supposed to be awesome, somehow turned terrible. Suffice to say, Jimmy and I stopped being an item after that. Believe me, it was mutual.
All of this is the long way around of saying that no boy had ever seen my naked you-know-what. Even my gynecologist was a woman. And the first man to see it was going to be my brother. I went from kind of out of it to very focused in about a half a second. As if I wasn't already feeling trapped in my bed.
Gavin pulled my shorts down with ease. Not surprising — I don't have hips or a butt either. Now I was completely naked in front of my brother. A thick bush of blonde, curly hair was the only thing between his eyes and my bare down there. I was actually very hairy. I guess I figured if I wasn't intending on using my vagina, I didn't need to do much about it, either. Now that I was so exposed, though, I regretted not taking a razor to at least some of the outlying areas.
"Cassidy," Gavin said, and his voice came out all choked and throaty. He was holding up the panties. I nodded. Gavin slipped them up my legs. I lifted my little butt to let him finish the job. Then he did my shorts. Finally, I sat up and raised my arms so my brother could put my shirt on for me. He was very chaste, very respectful, but it still felt so dirty and wrong.
"Thanks," I said, meaning it.
"I know this sucks, but I'll do whatever I can to help," he said. He voice sounded throttled but his words were sincere.
"You better," I said, "since you're the one who tried to kiss me."
"I didn't try to kiss you!" Gavin shouted. He stormed out of my bedroom and slammed the door.
*
The reality rushed back into me as soon as I woke up the next morning. My wrist was in a cast because I'd broken it because I'd fallen off the bed because… Well because I had.
I got up, started to watch a video on my phone, then put it down again. Usually I'd have a slow morning and laze in bed. But I was feeling icky, my covers felt heavy and gross, and knew I needed a shower.
I went across the hall to the bathroom. I could hear my brother downstairs in the kitchen, but I didn't want to bother him. I needed to start doing things for myself. I got undressed, turned on the shower and realized I had another problem. So much for my burgeoning independence.
I opened the door to the bathroom and yelled for Gavin
"Almost done making you breakfast," he said.
"I need help," I said. My brother lumbered upstairs and opened the bathroom door. I was naked again, stupid me, and Gavin kept eyeing all the parts he wasn't supposed to. My tiny breasts and hairy sex. "Sorry," I said. I crossed my legs and folded my arms over my chest. I didn't feel like a sexy creature. Just a creature.
"It's fine. You're my sister. It's not a big deal," Gavin said, his voice trembling again, "I'll cover your cast." He came back with a roll of saran wrap and ran it around my covered forearm, securing the plastic with a bunch of rubber bands. Once I was waterproofed, Gavin fled from the bathroom.
I stepped under the hot water. It felt weird to have my cast-covered arm in there, but the relief from the rest of my body made up for it. I shampooed and soaped as best I could. It was clumsy, but I did OK. I had one thing left to do.
And that's when I stopped
See, there's one thing I haven't told you about myself: I masturbate. OK, I know, big revelation. Massive, twenty-four-point, full masthead headline in the Inquirer: Teenaged Girl Pleasures Self. Also, I breathe oxygen and require nutrients. I'm full of surprises.
But here's the thing. I do it, like, a lot. Too much, probably. Like it was something I was legit worried about at the time. Though that hadn't stopped me from flicking the bean at least three times a day and sometimes way more.
I couldn't escape my uncontrollable urges. I know it's 'wrong,' but I figured, given the choice, God would rather me simulate the experience of sex than go out and actually have some. So, in that way, I was doing Him a favor. Right?
I had a whole routine. Wake up, rub one out. Then another in the afternoon followed by one more before bed. I had good days and bad — I hit a sixer one particularly troubling time — but mostly it was two or three times a day.
That morning in the shower would have been one of my times. And I would have done it the night before, too. In fact, what I didn't say before was, when Gavin came into my room and told me about his breakup? That's what I had been doing. In fact, I'd worked myself into a pretty good lather when he knocked on the door and…
So, I was pretty worked up is what I'm saying. And my body was expecting its usual dopamine rush. I touched myself with my left hand — an exploratory feel. My vagina jumped like it was plugged in. I couldn't remember ever being so sensitive. So aroused. But I could tell that my useless left hand wasn't going to get me there. I rubbed my legs together, took a deep breath, and made myself turn off the shower.
I was supposed to wear the cast for at least eight weeks. There was no way I would last that long. I was going to need to find an alternative option. I didn't own any, you know, toys or anything like that. I started to formulate a plan to steal a zucchini from the fridge when my brother wasn't looking. But of course, that would also require me requesting he purchase one at the Genuardi's and I wasn't sure how I could explain that to him
No, my aching need was going to have to be a problem for another time. I wrapped myself in a towel and left the bathroom. As I went, I twisted my purity ring around my finger, like reminding myself of the rules.
I got dressed and went downstairs. My brother had made pancakes and he put them out for me as soon as I sat down. He kept eyeing me as he did it, like he could still see what was under my clothes.
It's weird, but I was kind of flattered? I'm cute, I guess, in a girl-next-door kind of way. Boys ask me out and stuff — I'm not a troll. But I wasn't used to being seen in a sexy way and that's a very different experience. Sure, Gavin was my brother. But he was cute. An attractive guy was checking me out, and like I said I was already pretty worked up, so it turned everything up a notch. Sibling issues aside.
After breakfast, I FaceTimed my parents and gave them the bad news. As I expected, they offered to come home. I could tell they didn't want to do it, though, and I convinced them that Gavin had it under control.

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