The Wedding Crushers Part 1

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Beep Stories » “The mail-woman was walking funny again,” I said to Rick as I freshened his Five Burroughs (that’s a Manhattan with five parts bourbon) from a pitcher, our modest collection of letters clutched in my other hand.

“Maybe that’s because somebody keeps sodomizing her with a fat, massive cock, my shining jewel of beauty,” Rick offered before taking a sip.

I pouted, “It’s not my fault the woman knows what she likes!” I flipped through various charitable foundation requests and frivolous lawsuit filings, clucking my tongue at all the usual junk. But I froze when I arrived at an especially fancy envelope filled with heavy-stock paper. I tore into it and read a few lines.

“Joey’s getting hitched!” I squealed with a clap, noting with some pride the beeline Rick’s gaze made for my jiggling bosom in response.

“Joseph Dowd, famed broker and playboy, a man so widely renowned he shows up in countless gossip columns as well as expository sentences just like this one?!”

“The very same! A Toast to Joey!” We drained our drinks and I poured two more.

“I wonder what magnificent gazelle could have felled that lion!” I wondered aloud.

“She must be some girl indeed! A toast to her as well!?”

We drained that glass too and then I groped around for another person to toast; for some reason my mind was growing fuzzy and I couldn’t come up with anything. Finally I blurted, “Quite a girl indeed! She clearly deserves two toasts!”

“I couldn’t agree more, precious pear of my peapatch!” We drank again.

Then I blinked, “Wait, whysoever on earth is there a pear in your peapatch?”

“Because I’m gonna fuck the crap out of it!” Rick roared, scooping me into up into his arms and carrying me back inside. Oh that husband of mine! Drinking and being outside and banter and wedding announcements and me always seem to make him horny. Luckily him being horny always has the same effect on me too, so we’re well-suited, I certainly hoped Joseph was about to experience the same happiness.


Four hours of intense lovemaking later, Rick sat up in bed, the last of my gushing cunt-nectar still leaking down the shaft of his prodigious cock, a look of shock on his cute little face.

“Darling, what were we talking about?”

I blinked, trying to think through the haze of booziness before my mouth fell on the right words, “It was Joseph! He’s getting married in a week and we’re invited!”

“Right! Wait, why on earth would Joseph invite us?” Rick pulled me close, cuddling up as we thought this out together.

“Well why wouldn’t he?” I asked, feeding him a rare straight line. I’m always so very simple after a good hard fuck.

Rick sighed happily as I palmed and patted his enormous balls where they rested on the bed; always important to keep those big boys happy so they keep working so hard for me.

“Well,” he finally said, “if I recall correctly, the last time we saw him it was the shareholders conference for his newest hedge fund, wasn’t it?”

“Yes,” I agreed, the whole thing sounding dreadfully familiar for some reason.


“So, set me straight if I’m wrong my elegant empress of enchantment, but didn’t we end up gaining a near-controlling interest in that fund over his expressed wishes?”

He was right, it all came back to me, “Yes!” I said, planting a fist in my palm with a slap, “We fucked every shareholder’s wife into utter stupification and only accepted their husbands’ shares to stop! What did we call it? A Hostile Porkover?”

“No no, it was definitely an intimate merger!”

“Darling,” I clucked my tongue, “Mergers with you are *never* intimate! Your cock keeps most women over a foot away even when you’re all the way inside them! How can it be intimate if it isn’t even physically proximate?”

“Be that as it may, my point stands that Joseph has no reason to be happy for us, yet he sent us a save-the-date with explicit instructions to arrive in time for the Bachelor party.”

“A Bachelor party!? Could I join you!?” I did so love a good bachenal.

“No dearest, but I promise to take you on a strip-club night after we get back. Deal?”

I pouted, “It’s not fair.”

“You’re a powerful woman, to be sure, but never forget which of us has the bigger balls in this relationship.” He chided me. It does so get me wet when Rick is stern.

“Very well, when we get back I shall accept your deal. In the meantime, let’s see how big those balls really are…”

“Shall I get you a tape-measure?” Rick asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Oh no, I’ve got the perfect measure right here,” I shot back, opening my mouth wide and descending slowly for his lap.

One aching jaw and another four hours of sex later, we were ready for sleep—A typical day for us.


A few dozen typical days later and we were on my private jet, off to meet up with Joseph. A few dozen martinis from there and I think we made it to our hotel room okay, because I woke up in it, a sweet note from Rick on his pillow.

Darling Laura,

I do so love to watch you snore and I couldn’t bear to wake you. I’m off for the Bachelor party, I should be back sometime in the early hours. I may not have my wits about me, so please take good care of your loving husband.

-Your loving husband.

P.S. Rick. I assume you don’t have other loving husbands, but one can’t be too careful.

P.P.S. Your tits are super hot.


Like, SUPER hot.

He was right! My tits *are* phenomenal! I threw them into a high-pushing bra and a low-cut shirt and paraded them around the hotel’s spa. One thoroughly sore masseuse and three hot cabana boys later I was totally satisfied and ready to attack whatever would come next.

I was getting acquainted with the maid at around 3 a.m. when the cat finally dragged my poor, sweet Rick to the door. By “cat”, I of course mean a rather distressed looking bellhop, and by “poor, sweet Rick” I mean the disheveled drunken lout my husband had turned into. I clucked my tongue as I helped him stumble into one of the fancy suite’s chairs and started to loosen his tie for him.

Given that we normally don’t go through the day without knocking back a healthy few dozen drinks, it’s frankly frightening to think what could possibly leave my Ricky so visibly inebriated, but here we were.

The Maid was still shaking in the throes of orgasm during the whole time it took me to go to the door and get him inside, but she finally moaned her last and looked up at me. What was her name? Lucretia? Lupita? Who can remember! Not I, but the lass had work to do. I unzipped and unbuckled Rick, flopping his immense organ over the edge of the chair and then reached in deeper to scoop out those two enormous balls. I grabbed Lu-whatever off of the bed and gave her a deep, soulful kiss, then pointed her face in the direction of Rick’s exposed manhood.

“Be a dear will you? Give all that a tongue bath while I take a shower.”

Her eyes grew wide at the sight of him, but she weakly nodded, crawling like a good little strumpet for the goods. I gave her upturned ass a smack for good luck and made my way to the bathroom. When I emerged from the shower, I as squeaky clean and Rick was in a state of full, gorgeous erection, his towering member arcing up from between her heavy (though more modest than my own) tits and resting mightily against her mouth.

“Extraordinary my dear,” I said, going for my purse, “If this whole maid thing doesn’t pan out for you, you should consider taking yourself to California and being a fluffer.” I handed her a big wad of bills. Were they twenties? Hundreds? Who can remember! Whatever they were she seemed happy with it and took my hint to leave the room.

“It’s like I’ve always said,” I paused, giving a little moan as Rick’s fat cockhead parted the lips of my cunt, gasping a bit as he entered me, “I don’t care where

you work up an appetite…”

Rick groaned, feeling my tight wetness surround him as he somehow dragged the rest from the depths of his subconscious, “…Ashhhzz Longszh Aszh I cum.”

I paused in descent down his mammoth member and gave one of his balls a warning squeeze, making him gasp as he continued, “Aszh I come home fer dinder.”

“Good boy!” I exclaimed, slamming my ass down hard, the first of many such moves I’d make to milk all the jizz out of him before bed. I know my Ricky; he doesn’t sleep well with full balls.


I am, as some have noted, the best wife in the entire world. I demonstrated this by allowing Rick to wake to every hangover cure known to man, including a huge tray of prarie oysters, grits, a big bloody-mary pitcher and, though I am loathe to admit it, water. Along with some Aspirin and a slow, sloppy blowjob from yours truly, Rick was himself in no time at all, eager to attack our wedding duties.

We had perhaps a scant three hours before the ceremony, and not a stitch to wear. Luckily, enough money can accomplish anything. I had no trouble finding a gorgeous, shimmering blue dress with a lovely keyhole-cut for showing off my generous chest of assets, and rick was able to bespoke himself up a nice tuxedo, although it took some convincing from me that the yes in fact, the tailor really would need to let out the crotch to such ridiculous degree. In short, we looked smashing and made it to the Cathedral with time to spare.

We did not get the welcome we expected however, at least not from the groom. Joseph had aged quite well since I’d seen him last, a dashing touch of gray just starting at his temples, the rest of his hair the luxurious jet black it had always been. He scowled when he saw us enter, me holding to Rick’s arm.

“What are you two doing here?” Joey asked, crossing to us with stiff nervousness.

“We got an invitation,” I answered, but when that didn’t seem to warm him up I added, “It was delivered to us and everything. We didn’t have to knock out another guest and steal one like usual.”

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He actually allowed himself the smallest chuckle, “Well, I can’t say why she invited you, but I left most of the invitations to Cordelia, so it must have been her.” He sighed, glancing a bit nervously towards Rick’s obviously over-stuffed pants, but then made eye contact and stuck out a hand, “The past is in the past. I want you two to enjoy yourselves… just, please don’t do any of that whole rampaging thing you’re so fond of.”

“Of course not,” I said. I was about to continue when a stunning young lady in an ugly pink dress tapped me on the shoulder.

“Are you Laura Coyle?” she asked.

“The very same,” I nodded.

“Please come with me; The Empress wishes a word with you.”

I followed the young lady’s impressively round ass down a few hallways until I was admitted into a large chamber in which an even prettier young thing was half-dressed in the garters and peticoats and chemise that matched the spectacular wedding gown hanging nearby. She was somewhere in her twenties, with flame-red hair that had been woven into an elaborate series of intertwining locks. She fixed a pair of piercing blue eyes on me.

“‘The Empress’ I presume?” I said, smiling warmly.

“Cordi will do fine. You’re the infamous Laura?”

I shrugged, ample bosom probably making her own large set jealous, “Yes. But I don’t understand what’s going on. Why would you invite us to your wedding? Joseph may not be entirely fond of us, and you’ve never met us.”

Cordelia turned to the matron of honor that had just led me in, “Leave us, Genvieve.”

Genvieve rolled her eyes, bowed sarcastically, and closed the door behind her.

“That’s better,” Cordelia said, “I’ve asked you and Rick here because your reputation precedes you.”

I arched an eyebrow, “Oh? You’ve heard that I mix the meanest Manhattan in all, well, Manhattan? Or about my high school Badminton championships? Or the success of my portfolio?”

She shook her head, “Cut the crap Laura, you know what I mean. You and Rick… you’re… well… sex monsters, right?”

I put a hand of mock-offense to my mouth, “I think that’s being frightfully gauche. I prefer to think of us as a young power-couple in high-society that leave an unbroken trail of gaped pussies and ruined asses behind us.”

Her jaw dropped, “And you said *I* was gauche?”

I shrugged, “Get to the point dear, you’re supposed to be walking down the aisle in scant time and you’re still in scant clothing. Why do you need sex monsters at your wedding?”

She fidgeted, not seeming to know where to begin.

“You’ve been around my Joseph in… shall we say rather intimate settings, have you not?” she said. I could only nod to hurry her along. “Then you know he’s rather…well,” she flushed, “capaciously endowed, correct? Not money, I’m talking about penises here.”

I bit my lip, “Well he’s no Rick, but so far as lesser men I’ve seen, he’s definitely hung, yes. So Mazel-tav I suppose?”

She shook her head, “I’m not bragging about what I’ve managed to snare, I just need to give you context. When news of my engagement was first announced, apparently it kicked off a massive conspiracy. Every single young widow, hot debutante, and neglected mistress in a fifty mile radius all managed to find their way into the wedding. You’re going to see a veritable bounty of gorgeous women out there, from the guests, to the wedding party, to the caterer. They’re all gold diggers or size queens, all looking to get a piece of my Joseph before I can escape to the honeymoon with him. You and Rick are my only hope.”

What a conspiracy indeed! I nodded my head, letting it all sink in before I spoke my mind. “Let me see if I have this straight… you want Rick and I to cock-block every girl that tries to get a piece of Joseph from now until you’re in the honeymoon limo?”

She bit her lower lip, “I… I know it’s a lot to ask, and very unexpected, but there’s simply no other way I can see around it. These women cannot be convinced or bribed that it isn’t worth trying to bag one of the richest, best-endowed men the upper crust has to offer. I can’t be everywhere at once and with so many people working against us there’s no way for me to ensure we won’t get separated. It will be a disaster if Joseph ends up getting lured into consummating our wedding with someone else!”

I shook my head and clucked my tongue, “Darling, this sounds like nothing but wedding paranoia; and even if it weren’t, surely Joseph can be trusted to behave himself, can’t he?”

She looked on the verge of tears, “I promise you, my sources on this were very trustworthy, unlike Joseph who can’t help himself once a woman shows interest. Don’t get me wrong, I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me, but he’s simply the exact wrong mix of gentleman and dickbeast; he can’t neglect a woman who he thinks needs his prodigious assets, even if he wants to.”

She might have had a point. While our previous adventure with Joseph had been a boozy blur to me, I did remember his head turning awfully fast at every new gleam of interest from a willing lady.

“All right darling, I think you’re still being dramatic, but I will do my best to keep an eye on him just in case his start to wander.”

To my surprise, she dropped to her knees before me, taking one of my hands in both of hers, “Thank you Laura, I am in your debt. If there’s anything at all you need from me at some point in the future, consider it done.”

I drew her to her feet, “Now now, honey, there’s no need for all of that. If you’re giving Rick and I carte blanche on all the women here, then that’s payment enough. It will be nice to finally attend a wedding where ruining a bridesmaid or two won’t get us a stern look from the bride.”

She beamed, “Oh yes, quite the opposite this time, I assure you.”


As I emerged back into the venue, I notice that it had filled up considerably more, various guests and family members milling around and socializing. My Rick has always had a considerable gift for schmoozing and he was making a gaggle of girls crack up while he periodically drank from the flask he’d brought. I snatched that from him and drank when I was in range; it was strong stuff, but it was going to have to last us both all the way through the ceremony, I should have brought one or two in my cleavage as well. Ah well.

Rick pursued me, both to retrieve his flask, and to ask me what was going on. I explained the plot as it had been explained to me. Unsurprisingly, he scoffed,

“Come on, surely this is just a touch of bridal mania? Who could be so self-centered as to assume every woman is after her man?”

I drank again, then answered, “I thought the same thing at first, darling, but look around won’t you?”

Rick did, his eyes roaming from gorgeous blonde to sensual brunette to another and another, all over the room. Then, more importantly, he looked where they were looking: Every pair of eyes was locked onto the groom-to-be, gazes that were predatory and cunning. These women were indeed on the hunt, and all for the same very specific target.

Rick pouted a little, “Why are they all looking at him? I’m bigger!”

I patted his arm reassuringly, “Yes dear, but they don’t know that… and today’s his special day, so that makes him the special one.

Rick dug his toe into the ground, “I guess.”

I took his face in my hands and tilted it up, giving him a firm kiss before pulling back, “Take heart, dearest one, we’ve been asked to MAKE them see how special we are. We’re to keep an eye on the groom, and any time someone tries to fuck him, you and I fuck them first!”

Now the predatory grin was on Rick’s face; our prey would no know what had hit them. The rest of the afternoon became about the people we had to deal with.

#Taking Issue with Ushers#

“Bogey at three O’clock!” Rick said, taking my arm as he pointed to the ushers who had been showing everyone to their seats.

“Oh my stars, are those the Ingraham Twins? Jessica and Jessebelle?” I was astonished to see them in this unusual role. They were both dressed in men’s suits with simple black ties, the masculine corners tented out magnificently by their feminine curves. The twins had been making the society pages take fire ever since they debuted back in August, they looked to have about 88-inches of titflesh between them and eyes as deep and tempestuous as the sea.

What had been making the society pages talk was that the two of them always accompanied a single man to occasions; in fact they’d famously rejected the Wexler-Drummond boys, a pair of like-age male twins, who any matchmaker would have thought perfect for the famously mischievous girls.

They were certainly getting up to mischief now, making sure to escort literally every guest past Joseph, using tight corners and pew aisles to find ways of grinding their asses or tits against him in passing, trying to make the whole thing look innocent but clearly trying to arouse him.

“Well that’s just ridiculous,” I grumped, my arms akimbo, “What? Are they planning to both marry him? The nerve!”

“Shall we help the ushers to their seats?” Rick quipped, grazing a hand over his ample package which he clearly intended for them to sit on.

“You shall, darling. They won’t go for the bait if it’s both of us; but I’ll try to watch while I keep an eye out for more floozies.”

He nodded and made a beeline for the pair of them while I casually snaked my way closer to the action.

“Excuse me ladies,” he led in, “I’m having a problem with my assigned place.”

Seeming annoyed at the interruption, Jessica answered him, “Oh? Sit where you want, we don’t care.”

He harrumphed, “That simply won’t do, my problem is rather unique. Come with me.” They rolled their eyes at this impudent guest, but grudgingly followed him to one of the back rooms. I tiptoed after, managing to find a little nook near the kitchens to watch the action.

Once they were in their more private space he pulled a chair over, “You see ladies, my problem is these seats. They aren’t built for a man like me.” He sat, but with an almost magician-like flourish had his fly and belt open, hauling his junk out as he alighted. I could tell even from behind that the twins jaw’s had dropped.

to be continue ..